Making towbah from zina
Q: I am now 27. 10 years ago I had sex with a girl. She is older than me and non muslim, but intercourse didn't happen. I was even wearing clothes. I asked many times forgiveness from Allah Ta'ala. From that day, I went for hadd but the hazaraat told me it's not required in my case because any intercourse didn't happen. I am ready to do hadd. I feel very very very guilty of that and I face lot of problem in my life. I am struggling to get married so is it permissible do hadd in my case. Also sometimes I masturbate. I asked forgiveness from Allah Ta'ala again and again also for this I do hadd like hitting myself with a belt and burning myself with hot steel, pouring hot candle drops to my body. After repenting to Allah Ta'ala in this way again I masturbate. Is it permissible to hurt myself in such a way? I want to get married and want to do the jima' in the Halaal way. So I think Allah Ta'ala is expecting me to do hadd.
A: You should sincerely repent to Allah Ta'ala and make a firm resolve that you will never return to these sins again. If you repent and reform your life, then Allah Ta'ala will forgive you and bless you with His mercy. If you have the ability to get married, then you should get married, otherwise you should fast. You should not burn yourself with steel, fire, etc. This is not permissible. Crying to Allah Ta'ala in repentance is better than burning yourself.
And Allah Ta'ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
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