Marital problems
Q: My wife and I have been married for over 13 years. In this 13 years about 12 years we living with the constant interference of my mother in law. Things has now become so bad that I feel our relationship has hit rock bottom and fear of us splitting. My mother in law is a very strong willed women that is running her house and makes all the decisions for her family, even though my father in law is there he is not allowed to make or do any decisions that she does not agree with, I’ve learnt that through reaching out to him that he is not as he was made out to be. All my marriage I was made to believe that my father in law is a bad person and he dislikes me.
My mother in law is the type of mother who wants all her kids with her constantly and beware your soul if you decide any different. As a parent myself I can understand that but there has to be limits when it comes to your grown daughters that has a family of their own and also husbands. She is in charge of all my wife’s siblings and luckily for them they have spouses with different personalities then mine. Much like my mother in law I too have a strong willed personality and don’t allow anyone to dictate to me what to do and how to do it, I make dua that Allah soften my heart so I can just let things be however I feel that my wants and needs also needs to be respected. As husband I need to be respected and allowed to make decisions for my family. I’m not unreasonable however I cannot be expected to “dance to anyone’s tune” I’m a very sensible and mature individual whom family members, friends, workers and even elders approach for assistance when in need.
My mother in-law before going on Hajj approached me and asked forgiveness, she came clean and told me she interfered in my marriage, which I’ve forgiven her for and thought that would be the end of it. I really tried to be more accommodating however still had my guard up because she has done too much and said too much hurtful things. Don’t get me wrong she has a good heart and does a lot for the community and others in need, however when it comes to her interference in the way we should live our lives, whom we have over at our house even if it’s my family, its unbearable.
Lately she has become even worst, constantly going at my wife for silly things and this all in front of our kids whom is at an age where they understand what is going on. She even went so far to tell my wife not to come and greet her on Eid day all because my wife was busy with Eid preparations and missed her calls and forgot to phone back. The thing is my wife’s younger sister also gets involved and then they gang up against her, telling her she will never be successful and that’s why her sister has more because she listens and cares more for her mother. My wife being the type of laid back person that never stands up for herself is just like that, many a times I get upset because she don’t answer her phone or delay things to the very end then I need to pick up the pieces. In all this I not once told my wife to stay away because it’s her family. My wife would be upset then it’s me trying to repair the relationship with her family by calling her father and ask him to speak to my wife and his. I don’t keep her away from her family as I know she cares and loves them even more than me, which I don’t have a problem with. Even when they have a crisis they call on me at 3am in the morning and I get up to assist, but yet I’m seen as a selfish, self-centered and egotistical person.
I’ve taken a stance on my own side and decided to keep my interaction with my mother in-law and sister-in law to a bare minimum, its salaam, how are you and that its. I do not visit however when they do have functions I attend for a short while. I’ve exhausted all avenues and don’t know what to do any more. We had countless mashooras with family elders and this always cause more friction between the families, more so our mothers. My wifes health has also not been good and this added pressure from both sides is not doing her any justice. This has cause major problems in our relationship and there’s days that we go without saying a word to each other because she refuses to listen to my side and her mother constantly want to do and say as she pleases and then after a day or two ask for forgiveness. How much longer we can go on like this, I don’t know as its making us both unhappy and our kids thinks that this type of life is normal.
Can you please provide some guidance from an Islamic perspective on how I should deal with this situation, in order for all parties involved to be fairly treated.