Trying to change one's life
Q: Reason why I'm emailing you is because I need urgent help. I have major hypocrisy in my heart with lots of maradh. I dont know what to do or where to even start! Please help me, this hypocrisy started 7/8 yrs ago when I fell in doubt with my religion and ever since then my life has been very miserable, I been through alot and it still hasn't changed me. Allah has given me lots of trials and I keep failing. I am also a hafiz of the Quran which makes this matter very serious. Up until now I got very scared as I've read the hadith from the prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) that most of the hypocrites of the ummah will be the Quran memorizers. This has scared me, do I have any hope of my hypocrisy to be forgiven if I repent sincerely. Again the key word is sincerely, I also have lots of arrogance and pride, I try to change it but its too difficult. I'll change for maybe like a few hours or even a day but then I go back to how I am. How do I change this for good? I am also very heedless, I think bad about Allah but I don't want to. I want to be back to normal like I how I was when I was younger. I have all the traits of the hypocrite, I lie everytime, sometimes I don't even realise I'm lying, I break promises, I have arguments, I have a big ego, I want all this to change. I also have riya but I dont know where to start. I try but its too difficult, can you please give me advice on where to start and can you also please give me advice, everytime I try to change I try to be a perfect Muslim but its too much to handle, I know we have to take it easy step by step but I overburden myself by trying to be the perfect person and everytime I do this I fail, within few hours I'm back to sqaure one!!! Im tired of this, I have gotten nowhere in life, life has been ups and downs, no self development, living life mostly depressed but i dont know what im living for, please please can you help me, I want to be submit my soul humbly to Allah but its too difficult, what can I do? I want to be a genuine person not a liar!!! This is very serious!!! Im an outward muslim but inside im not a believer, please help me.
A: Adopt the company of some righteous sunnat adhering shaikh and study the books that he would recommend.
And Allah Ta'ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
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