Respect for parents
Q: My father gave third and final divorce to my mother about two months ago. The reason i am writing to you is that I want to know that being kids did we do anything to initiate the divorce? My parents were married for 29 years ..He gave first divorce to he about 27 years ago and made rujoo after that. Meanwhile while we were growing up..we never had mental peace at home with our parents quarrelling over very minor issues most of the time...where I saw that the fault mostly was 80% my fathers and 20% mother....at times it would be 50%/50% both..but very rare. My father is a very short tempered person and he cannot take a word against his actions..When we were young it was hard to see parents fight ..where father used abusive language and even beated mother badly in front of us.. It is natural for kids to have a soft corner for their mother when she is weak and I never heard her use any bad words for my father even during fights. She always taught us not to misbehave with father because of her as he is our father and he fulfilled every responsibility towards us as a father. But it was exactly opposite for our father.. he use to say that she is brain washing her kids and she is planning against him with us. The reason for all the negativity in his mind is I think because he doesn't say his prayers and that too blames my mother for it..that she says her prayers to show the world that she is a very pious lady and I don't pray because I am what I am I don't need to be a hypocrite to show the world ..its between me and my God. He even use to say that she will go to hell regardless of all the praying because her husband is not happy from her.
Inshort I went to meet my parents after two years and I was going through a postpartum depression after my second son's birth. I went home and on third day my father started some regular discussion. His regular discussions mostly end up with blaming mother and her family. etc etc.. So this time from the start I told him that please this time I beg you don't start with me. I am here for some relax time. I wont listen to you or mother about your daily matters. Let me have some peace. I am going trough depression already. He instead of understanding started blaming me for misbehaving infront of him and said that my mother is a whore and a slut. She didnt teach her kids how to speak infront of parents...he used very bad language for my mother..I said..we were kids before but now dont use such words for our mother infront of us. She is respectable for us. He was furious and said I am your father how dare you say this. I will divorce youur mother. I said that don't include divorce. Its not a joke...he got up and said..You will teach me?? he poinnted at my mother and said..i divorce you...and then said to me..i have to divorce your mother but I will pull the trigger on your shoulders.. this was the second divorce.. he said many things to me..which a father shouldn't say to his married daughter and said that you are responsible for this divorce. I came back to my home after that. Two months ago he had a fight with my mother that why she didn't give meal to his brother and a carpenter..( she says she asked him but he refused as they had to go to a wedding..otherwise she always treats the guest very well with making food and all).. he was fighting and again used very bad language for her infront of my brother who is 27. He said to my father not to use such words and discuss in a normal manner what you have to.he got more angry at this..my brother just took a side for her that she always cooks good for everyone who comes at our home and I am witness to that....and not to use bad language for her now .. he is young and he said that next time mother dont cook anything for the carpenters who are coming to our place ..just give them some money so they can eat from outside..its not your responsibility..My father said to him that who are you to decide this in my home..and started abusing both of them..and divorced my mother again ..and said that she didn't teach her kids to behave in front of her father.. he said the blame of this divorce is on my brother. that he provoked his anger to this point. Now he went to some mufti and he came back and said that the mufti says that the divorce is because of kids and they are responsible for this deed. He asked everyone to say sorry to him and threatened them that anybody who tried to leave the home to meet mother ..he will shoot him or her. He says it was a joint planning of us and our mother for the divorce and he is clean as it is not his fault and no one is to blame him for anything now. Please provide me the answers from the questions:
1. is the divorce our fault? no one forced him to say the words ..and he should understand that it is natural for kids to be sympathetic for their mother when she is being abused ..no one abused my father nor said any bad words to him to effect his respect.
2. He shows reference from Quran and Ahadess that women are fitna.. and quran gave him this right to beat his wife..who are we to say that he did wrong.the mufti he went to said that..it was good if you were beating your wife and abusing her..atleast it was better then divorcing her and doing this act.....Is his whole behaviour justified with Quran and Hadees.
3. Now he is keeping the kids with him by force and threat them ..and lectures them daily that the divorce is because of them ..and he says no one will go and meet their mother other wise he will shoot them....Is this ok to keep kids by force and torturing them mentally all the time about not letting them see their mother again?
4.He don't listen to anyone and i have never seen him take a blame for anything in his life or never heard him say sorry..how to make him understand?
5. He said more then hundred times in all that i ll divorce your mother as a threat every time he saw that we got close to our mother or tried to protect her ..cant the kids love their mother or speak up for her within limits?..We always maintained our limits and never abused or said bad words to our father...he says that we will all go to hell. He don't let my brother to go and take care of my mother now as he has divorced her.
Please provide me detailed answers ..we need guidance..and we are tired of taking the blame to be responsible for braking our home.
A: In Islam each person is responsible for his own deeds and actions. The talaaq issued by your father was on account him not being able to manage his anger. Hence throwing the blame on others will not absolve him of his wrong. However, you'll as children are duty bound in Shari'ah to respect both your parents and be kind and compassionate towards both of them. The animosity and hatred created between your parents after the talaaq should not cause you'll to fall short in fulfilling the obligations you'll owe to both your parents. In the future, whenever this type of discussion has to come up, then you should respectfully take leave under some pretext so that you are not disrespectful to any parent and you do not fall into the sin of gheebat that takes place.
And Allah Ta'ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
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