Repenting for one's past
Q: I am a great sinner but great sins have been done against me and my family and great calamities have befallen on me and my family. I have heard that great calamities fall on the strongest of believers. I don't know where to start but let me start with my good deeds. I believe that I am a Muslim (not used to be punctual at prayer or Quran or dua) but not sure if I am a Sunni or Shia or Wahab etc although after calamities hit me I started reading Quran in my own language I tend to believe in Bukhari, Muslim, Nisai, Tirmadhi, abi Dawood, Ibn Majah. I have lived in Jeddah Saudi Arabia for 18 years. Not a regular at prayer but not missed many Jummah prayers in my life. Not missed many fasts in till I lost my health. Received many blessings like did many Umra in regular months and at least 10 Umra in Ramadan, offered many prayers in Haram Al Makkah and Al Madina, also did Hajj at young age. But followed a sin full path.
1. Masturbation started at the age of 12
2. Masturbation with pornography started at 15
3. Did zina 6 times the age of 21 due to extreme pressure of work life 2004 and out of control desires
4. Got married but could not rid myself from pornography and masturbation 2008 initially got a career boost
5. Went for Umra 2009 making touba in Allah's house and praying to Allah to grant us a child and Hasanah in this world and the next. But everything went south after words, receiving some signs of Allah I got severely sick on my flight to Jeddah vomiting like I had never before. Purse stolen and returned in Makkah, my wife's watch misplaced and returned
6. Six months under the pressure of failure to Impregnate my wife and massive failure at work my bad desires grew to such I high level that I did pornography and masturbation for one week non stop then prayed Jummah in Dubai and went to a club found a woman and committed paid adultry with her once
7. Filled with fear of Allah, and Touba in my heart do not face anyone for a week. And then through me Allah finally makes my wife pregnant. 3 months later the fetus is miss carried and you know what even one miss carried fetus means Jannah and Allah's mercy for the parents. But my wife and I fail to understand this sign and have a big fight. 2009
8. We were living as joint family as my wife blamed my mentally ill mother as a reason for the fight she demanded a separate residence. I shifted to a separate residence but this opened the door to more pornography and masturbation I was addicted to it without even knowing that I am addicted to it.
9. My work life is uplifted by Allah and I am happy in 2010 and.make a big mistake. I took nude pictures of my wife for myself not for sharing with others or to Harrass my wife as is done in by boy friends to hurt ex girlfriend. I am thinking that only I know where these pictures are kept and no one will ever find them (please comment on this sin)
10. My employer has hacked into my banking credit card and the airport hotel at Dubai and they secretly know about my first adultery in 2009. Due to extremely high desire of a taller more beautiful woman and a sign that my wife is going to have another miss carriage and extreme work and financial stress I end up committing adultery with the same woman one year later in 2010. Only this time I just want to spend some good time with her to ease my stress. But she inserted my private part into her private part without my consent. What ever happened next did not matter because the act of penetration had already been done. Immediately after this act I take a shower and without knowing that there is such a hadith or ayat I go to the mosque offer fajar prayer and commit touba in Dubai.
11. After this are the crimes committed by a cousin in my family and my employer that lead to touba praying to Allah and strange this happening to my health (mental physical sexual) and the birth of my son in 2011. Sexual harassment due stolen pictures of my wife by cousin and my employer
12. Major health calamities: loss of mental health when asking Allah to punish me instead of my family by sexual harassment
13. Major health calamities: when I am mentally ill and come to know that I am unable to quit the sin of pornography and masturbation a read dua of Younus AS continuously and and act of war takes place against me by deception black magic is done on me and I become impotent and multiple doctors can't identify the cause of
13. Different symptoms on my private parts
14. I fall down broke my finger but nothing happens to my back bone 3 months later I go for another Umra and one morning I start feeling pain in my back and later know that I have severe issues with my back bone discs and start feeling severe pain continuously.
15. The miraculous birth of my daughter on 1st Zul-Hijjah 2017 and sad death on 9th Zul-Hijjah 2017 what does this sign and dates mean
16. I have done sabr on all the types of losses I have received, I have even done jihad by learning as much about Islam to prove that the sexual harassment is wrong and I have silenced by enemy (ex employer on LinkedIn.com) defeated him through Quran And Hadith. He could not speak a word.
17. Currently I am such a poor state as regards my health wealth.and honour that the depression does not let me offer prayer or Zakat or fasting . when will Allah's help arrive to improve my health and wealth and honour situation?
Please guide me.