marital problems

Q: I was engaged to a boy for 4 months and then in order to avoid any sin we decided to do nikaah without telling our parents as they decided to wait for both of us to complete our education before getting us married. However, both families had pure and hearty intentions to get us married without any objection. Now it has been a year since we have done our nikaah in presence of two witnesses who were his friends. The disputes between us have been increased to unbearable limits now. My family has also found some unignorable facts about his family due to which they are having second thoughts. This guy who is my husband has abused me mentally so much that I have completely lost my self respect, my personality, my life goals and now he has also started to disrespect my family. I changed my complete self to keep him happy and yet he is still not satisfied at all with me. He fights with me and goes away for months, doesn't talk to me for months and I never know where he is and what he is doing. At this point my family has seen me depressed all the time and they, including myself has decided to get separated from him and his family. Now when I decided to get khula from him I started studying how it is done. It looks simple but we didn't register our nikaah nor we did any paper work. How should I proceed? Please guide me. And also I've been reading contradicting articles, some says nikaah is not valid without the girl's parents presence and some say in Hanafi mazhab it is valid if the girl is sane and adult. Please guide me through this issue as soon as possible.

Q: I have been married 6 years and I was living with my in laws as my husband refused to move away, I settled for second best option and that was to build us a place in the yard. Last year we moved into the outbuilding. My husband made a key for his parents because they look after our 5 year old child. His parents and his sister goes in and out of our place and do what they want and take what they want but only when we are in work. Yesterday I had an argument with my husband and they went into our place and took things from the kitchen cupboard and went into the room and went into our cupboards. I told him that I feel they are invading my privacy and taking things without any permission. He then told me that I am ungreatful and selfish and that if I don't like it I am welcome to leave and find myself another place to stay. He gets very angry with me when I mention anything I don't like regarding his family and he will always put me down to defend them. He also told me that I will answer for my selfish ways.

My questions is: Am I wrong to ask his family to respect my privacy and ask permission to go in and take things from our place? And what are the husbands duties towards his wife when it comes to his family?

Q: I need help with a certain issue. I got married about 7 months ago. Recently i had this doubt on my husband related to his friend who is a female. To confirm it, i checked his phone in his absence and found messages in which he is flirting with her and telling her how much he loves her! There were even pictures of them together really close and him kissing her cheek! So one day i told him that i dont appreciate his friendship with that girl and that they should stop talking completely. After a big fight, he agreed. The problem is, he doesnt know that i read his messages and that i am aware of what he was doing. So he keeps playing innocent and telling me that i am creating problems in our marriage by assuming things that arent true. He blames me for our relationship issues and keeps telling me that he isnt doing anything wrong and that i am being insecure.

My question to you is, Even though my husband agreed to stop talking to that girl, should i openly tell him that i read his messages behind his back and that i know he is cheating on me? We might get into a bigger fight if he finds out i read his messages and that could damage our relationship maybe even permanently. Im scared he will leave me. But he needs to stop telling me lies about her just being a 'friend' and blaming me for things going wrong in our marriage. I need him to know how serious i was when i asked him to stop talking to that girl. I dont know what the right step to take in this situation is. Its hurting me everyday. Im scared he might lie to me that he stopped talking to her and continue to flirt with her behind my back if i dont confront him.

Q: Talaq... Been married to my husband for a year and a half was arranged and love marriage. First couple of months were good then started having arguments. I knew before marriage he smoked weed but he said he would give up after marriage and not smoke it anymore, he lied he always did. Last couple of months of months found out he also drinks alcohol been over a year i never knew before marriage. Since last month he has demanded a divorce saying how the marriage life is not for him he wants the single chilling life. He always disrespects me and has hit me once or twice but for sake of Allah i have always forgiven him, given him countless chances but after hearing the word divorce from his mouth that is when I realized he doesn't deserve me at all or another chance. He has even said he will never stop smoking or drinking and i have waited over a year and done my best to help him change but all my efforts have gone to waste! I have come to my parents house and after couple of months of days he texted me saying he wants a divorce about 2 times and then swore at me. It has been 2 weeks now and i have made a decision to divorce him as i feel it is the best decision for me as i really want a husband on the deen. But our parents are making it hard especially his trying to keep us together and blaming me for everything that has happened and saying how people will talk if we divorced. But we are here to please Allah and not people. Nearly everyday I hear my husband telling me how he wants to be single or find another woman and in anger i ask.why did u marry me if u wanted to be single and chill out ?! He flirts with girls on social media and has no respect for me whatsoever. I feel like his love for me has been fake all this time and i feel betrayed and hurt by him. I feel he will never change even ppl who know him say that to as he has been this way for many years but his parents did not tell me the full truth about him before marriage. His mum said he is home 10pm every night when really he goes out at that times and comes home at half 12 or 1am! please help.

Q: I have an issue that I am having a really hard time dealing with. When I was engaged to my fiancé he told me that he is getting really close to this other girl because I didn't give him time and attention. He said he would stop talking to her though. Later we got married and when I asked whether he still spoke to that girl he told me he did and that they became best friends. He would tell me about her every now and then. I started growing suspicious so once I checked his phone in his absence and I realized they were way more than just friends. He was telling her how much he loved her and how he regrets not marrying her. He spoke to her like she was his girlfriend. He never speaks to me with that much love! Infact he is more emotionally attached to her than me. He is distant with me. My heart broke when I saw this. So one day I told him i didn't appreciate his friendship with her and that they should stop talking. We got into a really big fight. I asked him to show me his phone and his messages with her even though I had already seen it but he didn't know I saw his messages. He refused and told me that he couldn't live with someone if he had trust issues and that I was going down a very dangerous path. He told me he loves me and that he is not cheating on me and that he will stop talking to her provided that I never bring her up again and that he stops talking to her on his own time. Since then he has been telling me numerous lies. He is buying gifts for her when we go shopping and tells me that his friend asked to buy it for his sister. I live in Pakistan and he lives in Canada so he was taking back gifts for people from Pakistan. But because I read his messages I knew it was for his lover cause it was mentioned in his messages. My heart broke but I couldn't even confront him. We haven't been getting along too well and I feel like the reason is that he is in love with someone else. Although he is very sweet to me and we don't have any sexual problems. But I feel like I am living with a man who is only fulfiling his duties as a husband, not with someone who truly loves me. And every day of this marriage is breaking my heart. He is still in contact with his lover after 3 weeks of that fight. He went back to Canada two days ago. He will probably go meet her and give her the gifts. I am so broken and I don't know what to do. It has only been about 7 months since we got married. Not a single soul knows about these issues with my husband. I just tell Allah all my problems when I pray and I cry and cry and cry. I have lost my mental peace and my heart is uneasy. I want my husband to love me not someone else! But I can't live like this. I feel extremely helpless What should I do? I have a few other questions to ask you if you could please answer them.

1. Was it wrong for me to check my husbands phone in his absence?

2. Do I have a right to keep an eye on my husbands activities/ messages with other non mehrum women?

3. Is it okay if I check his messages secretly when I know he is cheating on me?

4. Should I tell my husband that I read his messages and that I know about his lover? I am really scared to cause he told me that if we lost trust for each other we shouldn't be together.

5. He told me he would stop talking to her eventually so should I sit here patiently and wait? For how long? What if it doesn't happen? I don't want to live my entire life like this.

6. Would it be okay if I told someone else close to me about these problems so that it would relieve the burden on my heart? I am facing this problem alone and I have kept a parda on my husbands disloyalty to me. But it hurts so bad and I want to talk to someone about it.

7. If he continues to cheat on me, should I consider asking him for a divorce? I love him and I wish he changes his ways. I don't want to live without him but I can't live the rest of my life like this either. Nor would I appreciate him having a 2nd wife and I don't think he would opt for it himself because I don't think the laws in Canada allow more than one 1 wife at a time. 

Q: Advice regarding my divorce and abortion

After nikkah (May 2015), husband told me that some of his girl friends had proposed him, but he refused and still they are good friends and their friendship is so close that they say i love you each other. But one thing he told me about one christian lady (she is a doctor now). He told me that they are so close friends that he always send gifts to her: dresses, i-pad, mobile, money. Whenever he came to India from UAE, he goes to meet her during her holiday and makes her happy by spending time with her by going with her to her favourites restaurants, cinema theatres, and other places wherever she wants to go. But one thing was very annoying: she told him about the size of her private parts and asked him to bring trendy wearings, from UAE, suitable for her private parts. I just shocked. I told him that pls avoid friendship with her. No lady can share about her private parts to a boy even if he is her brother. Then he told me that '''there's no boundary between friends as to what to say and share, you dont know all these bcz u have no boy friends''. I asked her number and sent her whatsapp msg saying that ''im his wife now, i dont like your friendship and I know from my husband that your husband also doesnt like this friendship. Dont continue contacts with my husband.'' She replied me using very bad language and blocked me. I just started crying. I didnt hear such a bad language from anyone. After sometime, I sent screen shot of chat to my husband. He replied me that ''she got angry by reading your msg. Thats why she replied so. She is a very good girl. '' He had no feelings even after knowing that she used such a vulgar language. I asked him,

1) pls block her and promise me that you wont talk or chat with her in your entire life Or

2) I cant see my husband is maintaining contacts with such a bad girl who reveals the size of her private parts to a guy. If you want to maintain contacts with her, then I dont want to live with you.

He chose the 1st one and promised that ''Upon Allah and his father who is in Qabar at that time, he wont maintain contact with her anymore and will block her in his entire life. '' But its a lie.

After wedding (April 2016), I went to Dubai in December to live with him. Sorry to say, I then came to know that he needs me only in bed. He does it intercourse so many times a day. He does it in such a way that I cant stop tears falling from my eyes. Due to this, going toilet becomes very painful for me. But when I told him about this, he told me that whenever my eyes shedded with tears due to unbearable pain, the pleasure he is getting becomes immensely high. Whenever he is in room, he always engaged in using FB and whtsapp. I dont know how to use FB (I dont personally like it). So when I told him to install his FB account in my phone, he did. I didnt have any doubt in my regarding whether he had any lovers. But one day, I checked some uploads in 2015. Then I came to realise that the lady who used such an abusive language was actually his lover. The first thing he do when he reaches room from workplace (for lunch and at night) is seeing the videos she shared and sharing it. When I asked about her, he fell down into my hands and acted like he's dead. I was scared and started crying. After 2 mintes, he suddenly opened his eyes and replied me that it was heart attack and told me that their friendship was very pure and they will maintain that friendship as pure as before till his last breath whatever the situation may be. I told him that I wont ask anything bcz i need u throughout my life. I relied upon him. After a week, I was just seeing his uploads in older years. Then I came to realise that their relation was impure. His FB posts and poems he wrote about her for 6years, clearly says that it was a vulgar relationship without limits. I asked his close friend (from childhood onwards) about him. Then he told me that before our nikkah, my husband told his friend that he revealed all his past life to fiancee (me) and she (me) has no problem with my (his) past bad relationships. He also promised to the friend that he will bury all his old relationships and wont maintain any contact with those ladies and will be a good spouse. After knowing that my husband is stil maintaining contacts with those ladies and fooling me telling that saying ''i luv u'' each other is a part of friendship, his friend told me that his heart attack was a drama. Before our wedding, when there was a problem in his home, he acted like he has severe chest pain and that friend brought him to a hospital and the friend told the doctor that he is going to get married after somedays . Then doctor laughed and secretly told the friend that there is no symptom of chest pain and all that. His health is perfect. I came to know from the friend that my husband had relationships with many ladies (from other religions), but his purpose was only physical relationship, not marriage. He fooled 1 hindu lady by secretly marrying her according to her custom in temple and after getting what he wanted, he left that place. That lady is still unmarried. His character is such that everyone will like his soft and caring attitude and no one will be there to provide a proof. I couldnt believe that whatever his friend told me was lie bcz the incidents that friend told me about him was same as the stories my husband told me about those ladies. My husband once told me that ''now also that hindu lady madly loves me eventhough I considered her as a friend, saying that even if you marry someone else, pls consider me as a second wife''. His sincere love was with only that christian lady (who said abusive words to me) with whom he had relationship (including physical relationship) for 6years. But when that lady told her family that she wants to marry him, they denied. After that break up, she compelled him to marry someone. After some months, our nikkah was solemnised. But she didnt get that much caring from her husband as she got from my husband. So they started their contacts again. I realised that he is cheating me. When he acted like he got heart attack, I stopped doing isthikhara and started to pray for his well being. But after realising that he is cheating me, I told about this to 2 relatives. They told me to came back to India and escape from such a wild personality. They told me that the things he compelling me to do in bed is not islamic and he was cheating me saying that all are permissible. He knows that I dont know anything regarding this topic. He cant sleep without doing these acts in wild manner so many times a day. He uses medicine also for increasing duration. Before 1 week of coming back to India, we realised that I am pregnant. He started to behave in a rude manner knewing that I wont escape from him after becoming mother of his child. I told my family members about this after reaching home. Now my parents are compelling me to abort if I want divorce from him.They are telling me that if I wont agree for abortion, my husbnd will file case for baby and wont allow me to live peacefully, child will question me and the baby might be a criminal and nobody will be there to support me. They are telling me that Allah is punishing me. I know that he will file case for child, not because of pure love towards child, but because he wont let me to live peaceful life. Fetus in my womb is 9 weeks old now. All my struggles become waste if I get hellfire from Allah due to killing a life. Sheikh, pls give me an advise as soon as possible

1) Whether I have to get divorsed or live with my husband by struggling his torture thinking that some miracle will happen oneday

2) What should I tell to my parents about abortion. Is it advisable in my case or prohibited

3) Should I consider this trial as a punishment or way to become closer to Almighty. Pls dont forget to include me in your duas.

Q: I got married a few years back and there was a couple of us who got married the same time, same day.

Everyone kept telling us how we look like such a good couple and were happy. Later I could notice how people use to be jelous of us. My husband is still good for the next 3 to 4 months. Now all of a sudden his really bad and we have had blackmagic dome on a number of us. How do I know if today our relationship is at stake because of black magic? Is there any dua that could change my husband his very tempered, use to like another girl , and is always brainwashed against his wife and son.

Q: I want to have a baby and my husband does not want. We are both in our 40s and he says he is too old. I have tried talking to him but he doesn't want to listen. Iasked him maybe we can go see a Moulana and get some counselling but he says no. Is there anything else I can do?

Q: I need advice please. I'm going through a very tough time in my marriage. Its only been 3 years and I can no longer do this anymore. Please advice me whether I'm in the wrong or do I have the right to let this end please.

Its totally unacceptable for my husband to treat me this way. What kind man tells his wife dress up like a white women and behave like them. He pressurizes me to wear tight clothing and low tops to show cleavage. When I say no he swears me and tells me I'm old and boring yet I dress up in my home for him.

He searches other women on the internet, he looks around from head to toe at all those women that wear totally revealing clothes and still tells my parents I'm insecure!

His been on an escort site. I haven't even mentioned it to my parents because my mother seems to be on his side. He so fast to message my mother telling her how I'm behaving with regards to other women and how insecure I am. And all she says is when I find a job I'll understand and be more open minded. How is that being open minded? I can't be in this marriage anymore. The amount of things he does made me loose respect of him and makes me lash out at him. Is there any proof that says paying mehr money makes me his prostitute? I give up.

I have no one to rely on. I can't seem to speak to my mother about this because she listens and does nothing about it. Therefore my husband laughs at me telling me my parents don't speak up because they afraid his going to divorce me and then I'm their burden again. He keeps doing this and tells me sweep it under the carpet, its the past. So everytime he messes up I must forgive and just let it go? What's the point of marriage then if he says his allowed to do whatever he wills and I have no right whatsoever to complain.

Every single time he says I must let him look around and if he does I must be quiet I mustn't open my mouth. He says we young we must enjoy life we will be more happier if I just don't bother. Is he right? Please advise me on what I need to do.