Not becoming despondent, asking for forgiveness and making tawbah
Q: I am in dire need of help. I am a horrible, sinful person, who should be stoned to death. I was involved with a boy, to the extent of intercourse, when my parents picked out a suitable match for me. I love my parents dearly and did not want to disappoint/hurt/shock/betray them, so I kept quiet and agreed to the nikah. After the nikah I continued having illicit sexual relations with the boy I previously liked. On the night of my rukhsati, I drugged my husband, and left him, and returned to my parents saying he was an addict, and got myself a divorce. The husband recovered from sickness after being drugged, but by then everyone believed him to be an addict. The guilt is killing me, my parents still think the man they married me to was at fault, they blame themselves for forcing me into a marriage. I keep praying to Allah that they never find out the truth because it would kill them. I love my parents and pray for them, and I pray that I am able to make them happy and proud of me someday, they are everything for me. I know that I am a sinner, and I want to make things right. I feel that Allah hates me and will never reward me in this world with success and happiness, for what I have done, and the Hereafter definitely holds jahannum for me. I feel that I cannot pray to Allah because I am filthy and impure, and that I should not even dare to pray or fast or ask Allah for anything. He has already bestowed immense favour upon me and my parents by hiding my sins so far. I did not love the man they picked for me, and after the nikah, I hated him even more, but he did not deserve what I did to him. When my parents forced me into this marriage, I should have been honest with them instead of lying about everything. I want to study ahead, I want to work and support my parents. I want to be happy but nothing is possible without Allah's help. And why would He help a sinner. Even when I cry and pray to Him, I feel that I cannot go beyond asking for forgiveness because asking for success or happiness would be too much. Will I spend the rest of my life unhappy, failing at everything I do, because Allah hates me? Will Allah Ta'ala ever forgive me? Confessing my sins would kill my parents but is that what it will take for me to make things right with my Maker? I am hopeless and dejected, and feel like giving up on life, but I try to be strong for my parents. I have always had faith in Allah, and He has answered all my prayers, but I think I have gone too far this time.