Q: My situation is a bit confusing and embarrassing.
I married a man who I dearly love and who loves me. However during our marriage we fought quite a bit, I think it was because we were rececenlty married and because I came from a family of all girls with no father in my life and he came from a family of all boys. I think marriage was a shock. Deen was a big factor in our lives alhamdulillah. Unfortunately my husband divorced me 3 times. After the third time and our separation he regretted it unbearably. I missed him very much and realised all the silly things I had done and got angry about during our marriage.
I then did halala, I know it's immoral hence embarrassed telling you. I didn't tell my husband or anyone else no one knows until this day. When I married I did not mention anything about halala at the time of the nikah and even before hardly except that the man knew I missed my husband and just wanted to back home to him. I can't remember I I mentioned that I might want divorce, but if I did it was definitely not at the time of nikah. This man never told me he was marrying me to give me back though, deep down I knew. I feel that this part of the nikah was valid. My concern is with the fact that he didn't match me in kuf and I had no wali present. I am a covered girl and my family quit pious and this man seemed religious however I found out he goes to mixed wedding etc, he is Lebanese so I assume there isn't much segregation between cousins and inlaws. There were two witnesses and a man that I chose to be my wakeel at the nikah. There was ijaab and qubool.
(Question 1) Was this valid even though he didn't match me in kuf? I asked one scholar here who said it's valid even without kuf, then I got paranoid and wanted confirmation so I asked another and he said it is invalid. I am so confused because if it is invalid then my current nikah with my husband is also invalid.
After my Iddah I am now back with my first husband and we are soo happy and getting along very well MashaAllah. I honestly feel like I have married another man when it comes to understanding and caring etc and I feel like I have changed too in a good way. I am also now preganant.
My question is, (question 2) why has Allah blessed me and continued to bless me after such an immoral act I have done? It keeps me from doing extra amaal because I feel like I have deceived Islam too and am living in a haram way but Allah has blessed me and husband with happiness , (question 3) should I feel guilty about the halala for ever? Or should I let go? (Question 4) should I leave my husband because I did halala to get with him? I'm so confused and feel horrible for my bad deeds (question 5) do I still get reward for serving my husband etc even though unmarried him by doing halala?
A:
1. It is valid.
2. Don't entertain stupid stray thoughts. Make istighfaar and continue.
And Allah Ta'ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
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