Q: My father was abused when he was younger, so he in turn abused my mother (mentally, financially) and he did so to me as well as I am the eldest of 3 girls. He has bad character and when he shows some goodness, it turns sour. As I grew older I looked deeper into it and I saw that his character shows signs of a narcissism and then about 3 years ago I started looking at myself and questioning my character and I too realized I am also a narcissist. I read that a persons character is partially from the DNA and mostly from your upbringing environment. On the one hand my dad was harsh and cruel and on the other hand my mom was too soft and pitied me and she made me so weak and at times I remember her being cruel with me as well which I understand as she was taking her frustrations out on me of her suffering and unhappiness with my dad. My whole existence is confusing because the one moment I do a good deed and I feel in my heart that I have good character and kindness like my mom but then the evil side creep in then I get bad thoughts and intentions. I am sick. I hate myself because I hurt my husband and children. I didn't had to get married and have children because I hurt them and they do not need this, I did not know this at the time. Alhamdulilah my husband is a good person, a good son and son in law and a good friend and husband. My children alhamdulilah are both healthy and beautiful mashaAllah but I am ungrateful. Please help, I don't want to hurt them. Here are a few of my bad characteristics: (Selfish,Socially inept, antisocial, Suspicious,Sneaky, dishonest, Weak, Moody, bipolar, Judgemental, Proud, Jealous, envious, Ego, Defensive, hard headed, quick to get angry,Devoid of love and empathy, Evil thoughts,Despise people, hate, Depressed, Regret, Nostalgic.)
I don't want to have bad character, but how do I rid it if its me? I want to love my family, husband and children but I feel so angry and irritated when I look at them. I want to love them and feel empathy when they hurting but I hate it when they share their feelings of pain with me, its like I cant tolerate it and I don't want this feeling, I want to love them. I hurt my husband and children before by hitting them and abusing them when I got angry or felt selfish. I get evil ugly thoughts which I also don't want.
A: You may start off doing ta`leem in the home. Don't speak or do anything without thinking. Remember, it is not your thinking nor your decision that will prevail on the Day of Qiyaamat. It is Allah Ta`ala's decision that will prevail. Allah appreciates imaan and good actions. So before embarking on any work think about this and then commence the work. You may have some stray thoughts. Disregard them and renew this formula that has been explained. Together with this, start off with the recitation of the Qur'aan in the mornings and evenings.
And Allah Ta'ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
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