Q: I have a problem regarding the relationship with my husband. We are married since 2 years. Last year he took me to his country (Pakistan), to meet his family and friends. At first everything was okay. But than the problems started. He left me in the house, where his mother, 2 brothers and sister live, and returned after his work (which ended at 11pm/ 10 pm - he made extra work for making a fancy walima which I didn't want). So I was constantly in a house with non mahrams, which made me feel very uncomfortable, especially because his brothers often invited male friends too. I wasn't allowed to leave the house and so I spend most of the time in a very small room without any sunlight. Once my husband allowed me to leave the house, so I did, but when I returned his mother insulted me that I behaved like a slut and so will everyone think of women who leave the house she said. So I didn't leave the house again, but I went into deep depression. My mother in-law didn't allow me to do the housework, so I just cleaned the small room in which I and my husband slept. The other problem was we had no privacy. The walls were very thin and so his mother could hear us in the night - which I felt very embarrassed (we turned already loud music on). I didn't know if I am allowed to say no when my husband comes in the night, but when my shyness and privacy is at risk. He said he is too poor to afford an apartment (also when I requested him that I'll buy it, he said no). His mother than came to me and said Allah should curse me because she could hear me. I told my husband but he said what can he say against his mother, she is more important in Islam than me. When my husband came home he mostly was angry, tired and not interested in me. I tried to make myself beautiful, to speak good to him and to do things for him but he mostly yelled at me and insulted me. He was angry about all little things (e.g because I put a little too much oil in his hair, because I bought too many strawberries from my money, because I was speaking too much or too less). I really went into huge depression. Nobody talked with me, my husband didn't allow me to meet his female cousins there or to invite them. He left me to go to a walima, as I had huge breathing problems and begged him to help me. He Said I don't deserve it that he treats me good. That I am like a slave girl to him, who just should obey him. He put very unislamic assumptions in me without any reason (which are great sins in islam) or proof. He offered me no nice words or feeling of comfort. I cried very often during the day and because of that his mother got angry on me, and my husband got angry on me. He said I am doing haram because crying is haram. I begged him to stop using hurtful words (like he did, and ordered me to stop crying). When I cried he yelled at me and the others ignored me. Also the neighbors complained by my husband why he treats a woman like that, that she crys like that. So he and his family got more angry with me. He went out angry of the house and his mother insulted me with awful words. Then his brother came and also insulted me while I said its not right to do and that they should stop please. His brother said to me: You are worthless. I am a man and you are a weak woman. You'll see I am much stronger and I'll hurt you. You are nothing without your husband, you are less than dirt. And so on. They said I am their problem and they'll get my husband there and they will tell all people to put their anger on me and to tell me that I am the problem. His mother also insulted my mother. I told my husband that but he said what can he do, shes his mother and he is his brother. It's not good, but Ia m bad that I told him and expect him to do something. I than took my flight back (which we had organized before). Later he told me that he hasn't payed the right price of my mahr (which I wanted, it was just a cheap date) because he thought it would have been too difficult. He also let me pay for nearly all expenses (food, winter cloths, thin summer cloths - I wasn't prepared for this weather, toilet stuff) but gave 3/4 of his money to his mother alone. He later apologized for his behaviour and I forgave him again. He said he was "just" angry and stressed. But also now when he is angry and stressed, he puts Islamically very bad assumptions on me, and makes me cry with his hurtful words. He's just waiting for his papers to come with me and here he was diffrent (he was before here in my country). But I feel so helpless. I really felt like I should make a divorce. But because of Allah I'll not do it even when I feel bad. My husband doesn't educate me in ilm (also when I asked him, since before our marriage and first sight I converted) and often says he is not interested in the Sunnah, just in farz.
A: You take care of your deen and disregard his poor behaviour. Conduct some ta`leem at home of Fazaa'il-e-A`maal and Fazaa'il-e-Sadaqaat, with some zikr, du`aa and recitation of the Qur'aan Shareef in the mornings and evenings.
And Allah Ta'ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
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