Q: I am computer science graduate and working in a multinational in my homeland. Throughout my life I have struggled hard to get my achievements because I am a disabled person. My left limb is artificial but Alhamdulillah I have always overcomed my disability in my life. Now I am in a very good position to support myself as well as my family. After my disability I have moved and studied with others and I also do the same jobs like other normal people. My personal analysis is that I can do Nikah which is declared a part of faith in Islam. My parents are also emphasizing upon me to marry now at the age of 29 years. I love my religion and try to follow all sunnahs Alhamdulillah. The questions I like to know is that I know a lady not in my family but relative to my elder brother's wife whose husband died in an air crash in Pakistan. This widow lady is the mother of two and also taking care of her husbands mentally disabled sister. I have intention to marry this lady as I have met her late husband once in life and due to the character Islamic personality of her late husband I wish and feel to provide the love & care to her and her children in an Islamic manner. My wishes and intentions are all within the limits of my religion but my disability is the obstacle in my powerful ambitions. I have to take this important decision in my life so everything I wish to do is according to the will of Allah. I have few questions to ask you.
Is it permissible for me to meet that lady in the presence of wali (Guardian) to tell her that I am happy to share her social responsibilities for rest of her life? What is the Islamic way to meet the lady? Is it important to get the permission of that lady's wali to meet her? What are Allah and the Prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam's) teachings in this issue?
What way should be adopted if a lady or her wali denies the proposal without hearing my inner feelings and reasons i.e. why I have set this marriage proposal (reminding you that I am a disabled and me or my parents will disclose it in a very first meeting. We will not hide anything from them. This can be a reason for their decision)
Isn't it my religious right to meet the lady and tell her about my intentions? What Islam says about it? How is it possible for me to assure that lady that I will prove myself loving and caring life partner for her and responsible father for her siblings?
While the Prophetic advice for those who have never been married is to marry someone who has also never been married after reading the above facts I am sure I am not disobeying the Prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam's) teachings as it is also the teaching of Islam to support orphans and widows. Your opinion?
I have not sent proposal for that lady yet and hope to send it soon Insha Allah. What precious suggestions will you give me to follow according to the religion a complete code of life “ISLAM.”
I am offering isthikhara prayers. What should I do when I come up with the mixed feeling after its completion i.e. whether to send the proposal or not?
A:
- The more appropriate thing is to address the issue through the permission of the wali.
- If the lady declines, we suggest that you do not insist nor persist. She is not under any obligation to accept your proposal. Insisting sometimes leads to bitterness and unpleasantness.
- Leave all this to her discretion. If she is interested in any way she has the right to independently investigate about you.
- She is fully aware of her necessities and requirements. It is not right for you to impress upon her with your generosity or your taking care of her. In spite of all the generosity if she prefers not to marry then you will definitely get the reward for your good intentions whether there is a marriage or not.
- We advise you first to find a suitable woman who happily consents to make nikaah with you. Insha-Allah thereafter we will be in a better position to advise you as you would by then known some of the behaviour, likes and dislikes of the woman you are proposing.
- Study the passages below for a better understanding of Istikhaarah
Istikhaarah is to seek guidance from Allah Ta`ala when one has to make a decision.
Whenever a person is faced with a difficult problem, or becomes hesitant in making a decision and his knowledge of the matter is insufficient to guide him, then after seeking advice from trusted friends he should turn to Allah Ta`ala and beseech His grace. He should willingly and with an open heart and mind supplicate for divine guidance and ask for direction so that the problem is solved in his own best interest. The Du'aa at such an occasion is called Istikhaarah.
Istikhaarah is in fact an invaluable teaching of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) with which the Muslims have been favoured. This blessing could give solace to many for all times to come. It is related in the Hadith that Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) use to teach the Istikhaarah to the Sahaabah (RA) like the Qur’aan is taught to children. In another Hadith it is stated: “Whoever makes Istikhaarah does not fail and one who makes Mashwarah (consultation) does not regret.”
In the Masnoon Istikhaarah, after one has carried out his responsibility as best as one can, one should hand over the entire matter and oneself to the limitless knowledge of Allah Ta'ala. By resorting to Istikhaarah one is now retrieved of making a decision on his own.
Whenever counsel is sought from a respectable and experienced person, it is expected that he will give good advice and assist to the best of his ability. Similarly, Istikhaarah is to seek counsel from the all-Knowing and Merciful Allah. Once Istikhaarah is made then Allah Ta'ala will surely guide him to do what is best for him.
Now there can be no perplexity. Only that will happen which Allah Ta'ala wills and which is good for ones own sake, though one may not be able to see it immediately. It is not necessary that one must experience or see an evident change or vision. Allah Ta'ala alone knows what is best for His servants. It is related in the Hadith: “Success and good tidings for the son of Aadam (insaan) is in performing Istikhaarah and his misfortune lies in not making Istikhaarah.”
وعن أنس بن مالك قال قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم ما خاب من استخار ولا ندم من استشار ولا عال من اقتصد (مجمع الزوائد رقم 3670)
الاستخارة هي استفعال من الخير أو من الخيرة بكسر أوله وفتح ثانية بوزن الغيبة ، إسم من قولك خار الله له ، واستخار الله طلب منه الخيرة ، وخار الله له إعطاه ما هو خير له والمراد طلب خير الأمرين لمن احتاج إلى أحدهما (فتح الباري - باب الدعاء عند الاستخارة 11/ 187)
مطلب في ركعتي الاستخارة قوله ( ومنها ركعتا الاستخارة ) عن جابر بن عبد الله قال كان رسول الله يعلمنا الاستخارة في الأمور كلها كما يعلمنا السورة من القرآن يقول إذا هم أحدكم بالأمر فليركع ركعتين من غير الفريضة ثم ليقل اللهم أستخيرك بعلمك وستقدرك بقدرتك وأسألك من فضلك العظيم فإنك تقدر ولا أقدر وتعلم ولا أعلم وأنت علام الغيوب اللهم إن كنت تعلم أن هذا الأمر خير لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري ( أو قال عاجل أمري وآجله ) فاقدره لي ويسره لي ثم بارك لي فيه وإن كنت تعلم أن هذا الأمر شر لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري ( أو قال عاجل أمري وآجله ) فاصرفه عني وصرفني عنه وقدر لي الخير حيث كان ثم رضني به قال ويسمي حاجته رواه الجماعة إلا مسلما شرح المنية تتميم معنى فاقدره اقضه لي وهيئه وهو بكسر الدال وبضمها وقوله أو قال عاجل أمري شك من الراوي قالوا وينبغي أن يجمع بينهما فيقول وعاقبة أمري وعاجله وآجله وقوله ويسمي حاجته قال ط أي بدل قوله هذا الأمر ا هـ قلت أو يقول بعده وهو كذا وكذا وقالوا الاستخارة في الحج ونحوه تحمل على تعيين الوقت وفي الحلية ويستحب افتتاح هذا الدعاء وختمه بالحمدلة والصلاة وفي الأذكار أنه يقرأ في الركعة الأولى الكافرون وفي الثانية الإخلاص ا هـ وعن بعض السلف أنه يزيد في الأولى { وربك يخلق ما يشاء ويختار } إلى قوله يعلنون { القصص } وفي الثانية { وما كان لمؤمن ولا مؤمنة } الأحزاب 36 الآية وينبغي أن يكررها سبعا لما روى ابن السني يا أنس إذا هممت بأمر فستخر ربك فيه سبع مرات ثم نظر إلى الذي سبق إلى قلبك فإن الخير فيه ولو تعذرت عليه الصلاة استخار بالدعاء ا هـ ملخصا وفي شرح الشرعة المسموع من المشايخ أنه ينبغي أن ينام على طهارة مستقبل القبلة بعد قراءة الدعاء المذكور فإن رأى في منامه بياضا أو خضرة فذلك الأمر خير وإن رأى فيه سوادا أو حمرة فهو شر ينبغي أن يجتنب ا هـ (رد المحتار 2/27)
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