repentance and tawbah

Q: Five years ago when I was 13 years old we went abroad. My sister was 11 years old and we were considered as kids and therefore shared 1 room and slept on 2 beds combined together and had one blanket. I at that point of time knew nothing about zina and all these thing related to zina indeed I barely knew anything as I was 13. I didn't want to go to school in grade 5 as it was a new school so I would cry at night but silently and once when everybody was sleeping I was awake as I didn't want to go to school and I got this weird feeling about opposite gender and bear in mind i knew nothing. So my sister was sleeping so i put my hand inside her clothes and tried to touch her body parts but i dont think so i touched although i out my hand inside but i dont remember that i touched all her body parts but i tried and then put her hand on my main point. I hdnt intend to do it but it just happened i wonder why. After that nothing happened and i didnt have any regrets and but now after 5 years when i am 18 i have realized that i did such a bad thing and sometimes i feel very bad but then i think i was 13 wasnt a boy i was a kid i knew nothing about these things and was innocent but then i feel no matter what i shall be punished i have told my parents and they forgave me and told me to move on but i feel very bad and tensed. So maulana sb tell me is it something i will be punished for i have prayed and cried for my forgiveness and when i am tensed my mom constantly tells me to move on or satan will succeed and make you mental. She says whats done is done and you didnt do it now at the age of 18, you did it 5 years ago. And sometimes i do feel bad but then i think that boys or girls develop at the ages of 14 or 15 and girls or boys dont develop physically at the age of 11 or 13 so I then think that my sister was also small and me too plus I didnt commit zina so just forget it and just move on but then again i feel bad and tensed so maulana sb tell me what to do and is it really something that should be taken into account or that was just foolish childhood? Sir give me a detailed reply i need your help and is this tensed and bad feeling coming because of Allah or satan and i am sure that Allah will forgive me because i was innocent i knew nothing and plus i didnt have bad intentions it just happened coz i was awake and just happened once. And sometimes i feel i have ruined my sisters life and because i touched her and that i have ruined her life but then i think girls dont develop physically at the age of 11 so just forget it. My dad said just move on and forget it just happened because you were young in the sense that i was small because i didnt have wet dreams at the age of 13 i had them later and i had no physical changes in my body so just move on.

س: مجھے یہ سوال پوچھنا تھا کہ جب انسان نے اللہ کو گالی اور نبی ص کی شان میں توہین کی ہو یا معاذ اللہ گالی دی ہو۔ اور ایسا وہ کئی بار کر چکا ہو اور احساس ہونے پر تائب ہو جائے ۔۔۔۔ اور اس کا معاملہ عدالت تک نہ پہنچا ہو۔۔۔اور اس بات کا علم صرف دوست اور گھر کے افراد جن کو اس نے مسئلے کا حل تلاش کرنے کے لئے بتایا ہے صرف انہیں علم ہے۔۔۔۔۔ یا سکالرز کو جن سے مسئلہ پوچھا ہے وہ جانتے ہیں ۔۔۔ تو اس صورتحال میں اس انسان کی کیا حیثیت ہے یعنی مسلمان ہے وہ یا نہیں ؟؟؟ اور دوسرا سوال کہ وہ لڑکی نکاح کرے تو نکاح کی شرعی حیثیت کیا ہوگی ؟؟؟ نکاح ہو جائے گا یا نہیں ؟؟؟ براہ مہربانی دونوں سوالوں کا جواب دیجیئے گا جو بھی میری اس معاملے میں راہنمائی فرمائے اللہ اسے جزائے خیر دیں گے ان شاءاللہ والسلام علیکم

Q: My issue concerns my conscience towards Allah. I feel extremely guilty. I must tell it all from the beginning. I know a man since many years now. I love him and wanted to marry him he is a good person. Somehow many years back before we were married (because we are married since half year now) I made istikhara but inside I really wanted to marry him. I couldn't imagine leaving him. I did istikhara because I needed to forget a wrong istikhara I did without thinking. With opening Qur'an randomly and so on and taking first word which came out a bit shocking like rethink or hell. I found its a wrong istikhara and Shias do this but I couldn't forget it. I kept thinking while doing it. I didn't know its was wrong and Allah gave me the right sign towards my niyyat. But to keep hope I had to do sunnah way so I could feel better. The thing is that i actually wanted to marry him but some opinions say one must decline his wish which is difficult but some others say ur heart will always want sth. Anyway i used to think Allah giving me signs i shd leave him any small thing i thought i must leave him. I actually dont see the isitkhara as asking for khair but i was seeing it now more as gettin permission from Allah. Cause wen sth negative happend and i thought Thats a sign that Allah tells me to leave i kept fearing and couldnt accept it inside i wanted to continue at the end its decree whatever comes. But my niyat is i feel so bad i actually feel like i went against Allahs permission i didn want to leave him anyway and Allah counts that. After i married now everything of these oöd thoughts came back. I feel i have chosen someone over Allah and the fact which makes me depressed most is that i cant imagine to leave him i cant. Thats makes me feel so much more hypocrital and sinful. I again fell into confusion fear asking Allah to forgive me and so on. Always again seeing sth like signs as Allah again sending me signs.like reading some sentence or hadith by coincidence fittin to me as Allah telling me leave him. But once that happend i cudn again accept it and think doing it.Its like i know i wont do it i cant do it as long i cant i am feeling i willingly accepting that i go against Allah and prefer someone astaghfirullah.bcuz thats wht i just cant do this pain i cudnt take it why shd Allah b pleased with me and this marriage. You know if my intention would b just to want khair in my life with him no calimities etc then i wud say i have made istikhara with fully correct intentions and now also just wanting best. But wht concerns me is that i dont hv to leave him that i can be with him forever. I wud bear problems i will have etc but not that i must leave him..thtsy i cant even say: no my only intention is i want to stay with him with hope forgood life etc.but my real n only intention is just that i cant leave him. You knw wht i mean? Its like this fear i have which i feel got bigger than i shd have fear of Allah is exactly the thing i must sacrifice then only then im sincere cuz thats exactly what i cant do in my mind fr Allah. One day again i said ya Allah wht shd i do tht u forgive me n repeating it again again while walkin. In that moment my husband called n i want to take phoneout of my bag n the bag got torn in tht moment. As a sign i shd leave him which means tearing. Thinking Allah is trying to help me n show me but i dont want to follow it anyway thats the thing.even if these signs r wrong i cant follow them anyway i feel so hypocrital. As it counted i dont want to follow it anyway.what difference it makes then..if i ask Allah to forgive me i find myself n feelinf like i said Allah forgiveme tht i cant leave smeone for you and prove my love to you which is more. U see how i feel. What shd i do i feel its my nafs wanting him i hv a battle with my nafs which desires wishes sth but in wrong way and with wrong niya and with wrong priority why i think Allah will count what i feel doing. Allah knows all. I cant come out of that circle. I cant stop my feelings which i have towards husband nor i can chose him over Allah. Im suffering i have like a test i feel. Will Allah punish me? Will he count all i feel and act upon? Because i feel im doing sin its not that i imagine sth which isnt there. I feel there is a choosing and i cant do it.