Marital Issues

Q: I am married and pregnant with my first child. Currently I am staying with my parents in Saudi while my husband is in Kenya. I came for iqamah renewal. My husband sent a ticket for me to return but my parents got involved by not letting me go. Now my husband sent a text saying that he doesn't want me because of my parents. I tried calling and texting him but he isn't replying nor is his sister replying. Is getting away from my parents be wrong Islamically? I don't know what else to do.

Q: My wife has gone to Pakistan with our 1 year old boy. She has been sleeping with her 17 year old nephew who she claims is like her son. She used to bath him when he was young. I told her that I don't like it. I even told her sisters that I don't like it and I told my wife to stay away from him but she does not listen.

I was talking to her last week and she was laying down on the bed and her nephew came over and lied down on top of her. She laughed at me and said that she was busy and hung up the phone. When we spoke again, she refused to even speak to me about him.

She says that they have a very special relationship that I would not understand. Her sisters know about this and said that I am the one who is wrong and it's normal for them to do this as they love each other because she has bought him up from the time he was 1 year old.

Q: I suffered a lot in my marriage since a few days after getting married and I am suffering till now. I am asking for divorce since then. This 9 years of marriage is a disaster. I couldn't sleep at night most of the times. He abused me a lot. He made me feel ugly most of my married life. He called me a loser, made me feel unwanted. He is too much attracted to other girls. He used to keep random girls pictures on his phone and many other incidents which I can not describe in few words. But I thought that asking for divorce is not the solution and I tried to mend it and subhanAllah many things actually got changed. But even after trying to mend this relationship, I don't think it is working.

I thought everything was fine but I think he likes a jealous wife, he tries to make me jealous by telling me about how he was attracted to a certain girl or how many hoors he is going to get etc.

Also he plays mind games which again I can not describe in few words. When he ignores me I become so paranoid and from past experiences I was ugly to him, I became doubtful and I was checking his phone in his presence and I found out he commented a girl "pretty". I don't know if he deleted other messages or not but my past experiences says that he did because he used to do that.

Him getting attracted to other women is not the only problem, he demeans me on such little things that I dont feel confident and even speaking to him is difficult. I feel very inferior. He barely listens to me when I am speaking to him. He makes fun even on serious matters such as -I told him once that my friend got raped and he made fun of that! He used to use dirty slangs for such little things and behave very badly. He is not concerned about my security. Maybe now he is changed in this security issue after telling him so many things. I don't know. He is too much into his beauty and very self obsessed like a girl and likes to show off a lot.

I became more practising in deen and this has also become a issue of course, our mentality differs more now. In respect of purdah I won't get any support from him. Even when I pray he becomes irritated that I am taking so much time and keeps telling me during my prayer. Even when I got upset after reading his comment "pretty " he is not as concerned, even after hearing this I am thinking of divorce.

Believe me there are so many other serious issues which I am not mentioning here. After so many years of mental torture now I have no will left in me to mend this relationship. No hope no expectations from this relationship. After having children it will be more difficult to leave him and I don't want to be in pain and give my loved ones pain also. Even though after all this I have affection for him left in me but I can not really continue and don't think I have that much sabr. I even tried to be normal with him in these few days but it seems impossible, even my faith in Allah is also becoming weak.I was always depressed but now I am also very tired.

I know you told me that women have no right to issue divorce but I don't think islam is so cruel that I will have to forcefully live in this situation and I think these are enough reasons to get seperated. I also have thoughts of taking my life, I have become that much hopeless. In this situation do you still think I should try? Is there really no exit to this?

Q: My husband had built a house for us and now my husband is abroad so I'm at my mother's place. My sister in law also has her own house and she had an idea of demolishing her own house and re making the house again. She is well wealthy also. After she demolished her house, my husband told her that she can come and live in our own house. So now my sister in law, her husband, her 2 children, my mother in law, my father in law, and my other sister in law and her husband and her 4 children are living there.

My second sister in law also has her own house. But she also is now living in my house with her children and her husband. Now there are so many people living in my house and all of them are my in laws and their children.

Before they came to my home, my home was clean and good looking. Now they have made my home totally untidy and all their clothes are everywhere. All the things of my home are messed up and they have changed everything as they wish. Some items are missing in my home. Even the bathrooms have become stinky.

When I go home, I hate how dirty it is and they all ignore me. They forgot that it is my home. My husband says that his sister and his whole family have full right to change everything in my home. He says that his family have more over my home than me. My questions are:

1. Can they live in my home when me and my husband are not there?

2. Do they have permission to change everything in my home as they wish?

3. Many items are missing in my home after they came, can they do like that?

3. Can they enjoy their lives while destroying my home?

4. If my husband built a house from his own money, who are the real owners of that property?

Q: What’s the ruling on a man who tells the sins and secrets of a wife and who doesn’t protect her or defend her when others backbite her? He also backbites her and airs his grievances to anyone who will listen which in turn has caused people to dislike the sister? What advice do give to a sister in that situation ?

Q: I hope that you are able to give me some advice in regards to some issues I am having.

I recently had my nikkah in November 2017 and my wedding is due in April 2018. Me and my husband have been spending time together and before marriage he was lovely and caring but I knew he had a slight temper issue but he hardly displayed it to me. Recently he has been getting angry over every little thing, when I ask him to visit me as I miss him he gets frustrated because he has no time and no money to take me out but all I ask is just for him to spend a day or even an hour at my house.

Another situation that has escalated the last few days was that my brother in law as a (joke) slapped me on my face and pushed me in front of 4 other non mahrams and I shouted at him saying that wasnt appropriate and he felt offended by that. I told my husband what happened and he was very angry and told me not to say anything further. I later realised that my sister and my brother in law and a few other family members were talking ill of me because I had shouted at him. I told my husband this and that angered him but he was almost putting the blame on me but not directly. I seeked guidance in Allah and I found that I wanted to apologise to my sister and her husband for shouting at him out of goodwill. When I told my husband that was what I wanted to do he was completely against me and started swearing at my entire family to me. I was very upset but didnt respond back to anything he was saying and waited till the next day so that he was calmer. We spoke and I addressed the issue and said I didnt like that he was swearing towards my family and he said he didnt care and that my family have caused him enough stress which is why he has a right to say all that about them. I tried to reason with him but he just kept saying he needs a break from me and doesnt want to talk to me and he is unhappy with me.

Im devastated that my husband doesnt understand me, this is not the first time he has had a (break) from me... please tell me what I should do as I feel helpless.

Q: I am married for 4 years. 2 months ago after an argument, my husband walked out and abandoned our baby and I with no contact or financial assistance at all since then. I am unemployed and currently studying. Immediately after he left, the elders in my family tried to contact him to set up a meeting for a reconciliation or even to understand why he walked out. My husband has refuted any contact my family or I make with him. He has since then hired a lawyer to fight for his rights as a fater. According to my husbands lawyer, my husband has no wish to reconcile and feels the marriage is already over.

Over the span of our marriage he has committed many act of abuse to me with the last being of sexual abuse which occured a week befor he left us. He has also done some disturbing acts towards our 3 year old daughter. All of these abuses are linked to only a single issue. He has made me the enemy of his parents. And he has done that from the beginning of our marriage with no questions asked . The sole reason of me remaining married to him was I felt that if only he understood I was not the enemy he would treat me differently. Him being a Moulana and a marriage officer, I sincerely felt that if he took the time to assess the truth he would have realized I have no fault in what he blamed me for. He has waltzed into my life caused an upheaval for myself, daughter and family and he has now walked out. He refuses to even say why he wants to divorce me.

I know what my grievances are towards him. And I have tried many avenues to help our marriage. But he has never once told me my fault or tried to explain why he hates me. I have never cheated on him, never stole from him, never abused him or belittle/insult him or his famiy. His only issue with me is that I prevented his parents from seeing our child. But that too is incorrect. Yes the day after my daughter was born I did say that I did not want them to see her. But this was due to a large number of terrible reasons including blackmagic. However within 5 months later and thereafter many many times my family and I have tried to speak to them and tried to get them to see their grandchild. But they refused everytime. He blames me for this. His ultimate goal was to provide a grandchild for his mother.

I dont want him back in fear that he is capable of fully sexually harming my daughter and I and even killing us. Its already going for 3 months and he still has not divorced me yet he is fighting for visitational rights. I have read on askmufti.co.za that if a man leaves his home on his own he is still liable to maintain his wife. He has shattered me emotionally. He has destroyed our lives. Im not greedy for his money but if that is a way I can seek relief from all of the anguish he has caused onto my family and I, I am willing to take it. His actions have damaged me. What are the rulings against him maintaining me. Is it Islamically so easy for him to simply abandon me because in his mind I am the enemy? 

Q: I'm married for 2 years. After nikkah I shifted to my husband in Germany. After marriage we realized that we are two different people. I wanted his love but he said that he is not attracted to me. This thing frustrated me alot and left me in a condition of stress and depression. We had no intimate relation. We had so many arguments and fights because we were not having the basic relation. When I saw that he cares about other relations and friendsand they are very important in his life and it does not matter whether I'm present in his life or not. I couldn't take on the ignorance and lack of love from my husband anymore and moved back to my parents. His parents, relatives and friends advised him alot that he should fulfill my rights. After three months my husband contacted me and said that for the sake of his parents he wants me to come back. He'll give me respect and we'll have kids but he doesn't love me. I'm very much confused about my decision. What should I do according to Islamic teachings? At this point it is very difficult for me to trust my husband. Should I take a decision of khula or should I give it another chance?

Q: I got married when I was 21, and my husband was 36. When we met he was a non-Muslim, but reverted to Islam a month before we married. We have now been together for 14 years and have 3 Masha'Allah children. When we married, I did not practice Islam, or wear Hijab. About 2 years ago I realised that I had to make a change immediately and started wearing Hijab, making Salaah, and educating myself and my children on Islam. My husband was never interested. He always has an excuse, and has now even stopped going to Friday prayers. This is a huge concern for me as I worry about the example he is setting for our children. Whenever I try to speak to him about this, he laughs and says that I worry about everything. I've asked my father for help but he told me that I need to sort out my own problems. My husband has never had a fulltime job in all the years that we have been together. This means that I have to provide for him and our children (home, food, schools, transport, health, etc.) I earn a decent salary and I am able to provide for them but I'm exhausted all the time. Because when I get home from a full day's work, I still have to cook, see to the children, check that everything is prepared for the next day, clean, etc. There is almost no communication between us as we disagree on almost everything. I need to understand what my options are. I know that divorce is frowned upon, but I don't want to be married to a man who has no interest in Islam, or in me. What should I do?

Q: I want to ask you if my marriage is still valid. Its been 4 years and my husband didnt have any physical relation with me at all. We sleep in the same bed but he doesnt even look at me. He fights almost everyday with me and he shows no interest in me at all. I asked him so many times but he doesnt answer. He doesnt have respect for me. I am living with him only for the sake of my kids. My husband hates me. He doesnt have any medical problem. Please help me.