Being patient with one's mother
Q: I am the only child and son from my parents. I have just lost my father last year. I have a sweet and kind mother who is always very generous when it comes to money, food and love. However, there is something that I and my half sister and brother had noticed, our mother is very particular when it comes to food, time management especially when it comes to attending weddings or special occasions.
For food, she is always picky, as in where we stay, it is hard to get people who make food which are authentic and has acceptable taste, so my mom would get mad when service or food taste goes a little off, then she will start complaining for more than an hour some times, astagfirullah. I myself try to be more thankful for the blessings that Allah has given us. We are healthy, we can eat out every week, sometimes every day, we have a house, a car. Alhamdulillah, I know in our counrty many food businesses doesn't appreciate giving good food and good service unless you are dining in an expensive restaurant like McDonald's, steakhouse or anything similar.
My point is, I appreciate good food and I don't really mind if the taste isnt to my satisfaction as long as i am able to get the kind of food that i want. I feel really bad when my mother keeps complaining as if she isn't grateful for Allah's blessings and tests should the food tastes mediocre at that time.
When it comes to weddings or special occasions, say if we were to go out late unintentionally, because i hve a little child and needed to prepare, she would be furious and starts complaining and keeps going on and on for an hour complaining how we will reach late, the food would be touched, and we will miss this and that, then she keeps blaming me and pointing out my past mistakes that I am always late this and that.
Wallahi Mufti, I am pleased to be able to serve her to drive for her to these wedding occasions as it is compulsory if we have the means and freedom of time. Wallahu'alam. But being the one to drive, with a small baby who is growing up, and sometimes being tired with work and own family issues, I feel like exploding after being patient. Mufti, can you imagine you stay calm when she first complains, you will do dzikr to calm from saying things, to avoid from answering back your mother, but what if she keeps on going for the entire journey while you are driving and with other drivers which are very inconsiderate towards you, then she starts blaming you, and bringing up the past of how my late dad used to say that his death will be heavy for me and that I can take care of her... She keeps saying that I can't take care of her, while in reality wallahi apart from that i can't afford a home of my own for myself, wife and daughter, i am feeling pitty for her, i am a son it is my duty to take care of my mother especially now she is widowed.
But mufti, wallahi I feel really bad that sometimes i try to calm her down i speak nicely to her to be patient and we should be grateful especially when sometimes things just doesn't go the way we want it to be. However she will try to win over, then she will start blaming me and when i try to keep silent and dzikr so that i dont answer back, she blames me, and make it seem my fault.
Mufti, she did bable and complain every day about money also.. She has debts but compared to others alhamdulillah we are still living a good luxurious life i feel. She did this when my father was alive. My father was a very patient and humble muslim, he had to listen my mom repeat for whole day and he keeps saying that the complaint is like worm eating his brains.. I saw with my own eyes my mom is always negative and doesn't try to make things happy. Even when my father was diagnosed with cancer, my mom wouldn't try to keep her words positive and not be patient, always saying that dad is sick because of cigarettes and this and that.
Yes it is true, but I also believe that proven fact cancer is mainly caused by bad food diet and stress. My dad was too stressed with my mom for years. Allahu Akbar. Now I am feeling the pressure even so I try my best to keep my feelings to Allah and seek help from Allah alone. But after many blames and complains without even wanting to consider her sons feelings, astagfirullah i raised my voice with my mom and sometimes just discuss the things what my mom did, i tell my wife.
My wife knows how picky my mom is. Even our wedding which is sunnah, was such that it was almost chaotic nd strained relationship with in laws as the food choice became an issue between my mom and in law and me. I was the middle person and trapped.
My point is mufti, how can I or any of my siblings overcome such attitude which sometimes astagfirullah even reached to a point that it seems she is ungrateful at all for everything and like a small shirk.
Mufti, if you can get back to me, I have a lot of questions whichI need answers to unique to my life. I always listen to your lectures in the morning while I drive to and from work. I like how you convey the message of Islam to everyone. In fact I think InshaAllah that's what keeps me learning the only time in my daily life. I am trying to find time to join Islamic lectures in my local mosques in weekends but weekends i have to work just to get extra money to cover my salary which is not too sufficient at this moment. But alhamdulillah Allah's blessings are so much that I am still able to live comfortably and still to your lectures. I am grateful that your lectures touched my heart mny times and make me realize the lies and deception of this dunya.