Marital problems
Q: I suffered a lot in my marriage since a few days after getting married and I am suffering till now. I am asking for divorce since then. This 9 years of marriage is a disaster. I couldn't sleep at night most of the times. He abused me a lot. He made me feel ugly most of my married life. He called me a loser, made me feel unwanted. He is too much attracted to other girls. He used to keep random girls pictures on his phone and many other incidents which I can not describe in few words. But I thought that asking for divorce is not the solution and I tried to mend it and subhanAllah many things actually got changed. But even after trying to mend this relationship, I don't think it is working.
I thought everything was fine but I think he likes a jealous wife, he tries to make me jealous by telling me about how he was attracted to a certain girl or how many hoors he is going to get etc.
Also he plays mind games which again I can not describe in few words. When he ignores me I become so paranoid and from past experiences I was ugly to him, I became doubtful and I was checking his phone in his presence and I found out he commented a girl "pretty". I don't know if he deleted other messages or not but my past experiences says that he did because he used to do that.
Him getting attracted to other women is not the only problem, he demeans me on such little things that I dont feel confident and even speaking to him is difficult. I feel very inferior. He barely listens to me when I am speaking to him. He makes fun even on serious matters such as -I told him once that my friend got raped and he made fun of that! He used to use dirty slangs for such little things and behave very badly. He is not concerned about my security. Maybe now he is changed in this security issue after telling him so many things. I don't know. He is too much into his beauty and very self obsessed like a girl and likes to show off a lot.
I became more practising in deen and this has also become a issue of course, our mentality differs more now. In respect of purdah I won't get any support from him. Even when I pray he becomes irritated that I am taking so much time and keeps telling me during my prayer. Even when I got upset after reading his comment "pretty " he is not as concerned, even after hearing this I am thinking of divorce.
Believe me there are so many other serious issues which I am not mentioning here. After so many years of mental torture now I have no will left in me to mend this relationship. No hope no expectations from this relationship. After having children it will be more difficult to leave him and I don't want to be in pain and give my loved ones pain also. Even though after all this I have affection for him left in me but I can not really continue and don't think I have that much sabr. I even tried to be normal with him in these few days but it seems impossible, even my faith in Allah is also becoming weak.I was always depressed but now I am also very tired.
I know you told me that women have no right to issue divorce but I don't think islam is so cruel that I will have to forcefully live in this situation and I think these are enough reasons to get seperated. I also have thoughts of taking my life, I have become that much hopeless. In this situation do you still think I should try? Is there really no exit to this?