Marital Issues

Q: I have an issue that I am having a really hard time dealing with. When I was engaged to my fiancé he told me that he is getting really close to this other girl because I didn't give him time and attention. He said he would stop talking to her though. Later we got married and when I asked whether he still spoke to that girl he told me he did and that they became best friends. He would tell me about her every now and then. I started growing suspicious so once I checked his phone in his absence and I realized they were way more than just friends. He was telling her how much he loved her and how he regrets not marrying her. He spoke to her like she was his girlfriend. He never speaks to me with that much love! Infact he is more emotionally attached to her than me. He is distant with me. My heart broke when I saw this. So one day I told him i didn't appreciate his friendship with her and that they should stop talking. We got into a really big fight. I asked him to show me his phone and his messages with her even though I had already seen it but he didn't know I saw his messages. He refused and told me that he couldn't live with someone if he had trust issues and that I was going down a very dangerous path. He told me he loves me and that he is not cheating on me and that he will stop talking to her provided that I never bring her up again and that he stops talking to her on his own time. Since then he has been telling me numerous lies. He is buying gifts for her when we go shopping and tells me that his friend asked to buy it for his sister. I live in Pakistan and he lives in Canada so he was taking back gifts for people from Pakistan. But because I read his messages I knew it was for his lover cause it was mentioned in his messages. My heart broke but I couldn't even confront him. We haven't been getting along too well and I feel like the reason is that he is in love with someone else. Although he is very sweet to me and we don't have any sexual problems. But I feel like I am living with a man who is only fulfiling his duties as a husband, not with someone who truly loves me. And every day of this marriage is breaking my heart. He is still in contact with his lover after 3 weeks of that fight. He went back to Canada two days ago. He will probably go meet her and give her the gifts. I am so broken and I don't know what to do. It has only been about 7 months since we got married. Not a single soul knows about these issues with my husband. I just tell Allah all my problems when I pray and I cry and cry and cry. I have lost my mental peace and my heart is uneasy. I want my husband to love me not someone else! But I can't live like this. I feel extremely helpless What should I do? I have a few other questions to ask you if you could please answer them.

1. Was it wrong for me to check my husbands phone in his absence?

2. Do I have a right to keep an eye on my husbands activities/ messages with other non mehrum women?

3. Is it okay if I check his messages secretly when I know he is cheating on me?

4. Should I tell my husband that I read his messages and that I know about his lover? I am really scared to cause he told me that if we lost trust for each other we shouldn't be together.

5. He told me he would stop talking to her eventually so should I sit here patiently and wait? For how long? What if it doesn't happen? I don't want to live my entire life like this.

6. Would it be okay if I told someone else close to me about these problems so that it would relieve the burden on my heart? I am facing this problem alone and I have kept a parda on my husbands disloyalty to me. But it hurts so bad and I want to talk to someone about it.

7. If he continues to cheat on me, should I consider asking him for a divorce? I love him and I wish he changes his ways. I don't want to live without him but I can't live the rest of my life like this either. Nor would I appreciate him having a 2nd wife and I don't think he would opt for it himself because I don't think the laws in Canada allow more than one 1 wife at a time. 

Q: I need your help. I got married by my mother. She chose my wife for me Alhamdulilah but my mother now wants me to divorce my wife because they say she sleep with men and call her names and when she is very sick they say she fakes it and get between our problems even my aunt's want her to come over to clean the house and do work for free but I tell my wife not to because I believe that's wrong. So they tell my mother she don't listen and they keep telling lies about my wife. My big brother tells me to divorce her even tho he has never seen her. She's in morocco and I live in the U.S with my family and I'm fixing my wife's papers so she can come live with me inshallah. Also she prays and has patience and always tells me it's not your fault, Allah is testing you just be patient. Alhamdulilah it's because of her I'm still with my family. So what should I do, should I obey my mother and divorce her or should I move away when my wife comes inshallah and I respect my mother? My mother is very very very jealous and tough on me and always talking bad about my wife and calling her bad names. My mother even says if you have kids with her you are not my son and if I have a son she will never see me and him again and keeps yelling at me and telling my big brothers to tell me for divorce and they force me but Alhamdulilah I'm patient and I tell them I don't talk to her no more because I don't want to deal with the headache. So I keep me and my wife secret until she comes. Should I do divorce because my family wants or should I move away and contact them time to time?

Q: My husband and me were happy at the beginning when we newly got married. Many people were jelous of our couple. We have had black magic done on our families many years ago. Is there any way we could remove blackmagic if someone has done it on me and my husband? How would I know and how would we remove it?

Then there came a point where my husband is using the word talaq and signing papers to me with no intention gesture alluding to us. His now always threatening to leave me and tells me how much he hates me and how his forced to be in the smae room as me and with me and now he has left for 2 weeks. After two weeks he puts an act on infront of my father showing remorse like he always has but never had meant it as I've forgiven him a number of times but his always stubborn on the wrong. We have not allowed him to enter this house and I have said you could only have me and my son if you by a house not because of money etc but to make him know the responsiblity of being a father and husband. Is there any wazifas or duas I could read? What should I do?

Q: Advice regarding my divorce and abortion

After nikkah (May 2015), husband told me that some of his girl friends had proposed him, but he refused and still they are good friends and their friendship is so close that they say i love you each other. But one thing he told me about one christian lady (she is a doctor now). He told me that they are so close friends that he always send gifts to her: dresses, i-pad, mobile, money. Whenever he came to India from UAE, he goes to meet her during her holiday and makes her happy by spending time with her by going with her to her favourites restaurants, cinema theatres, and other places wherever she wants to go. But one thing was very annoying: she told him about the size of her private parts and asked him to bring trendy wearings, from UAE, suitable for her private parts. I just shocked. I told him that pls avoid friendship with her. No lady can share about her private parts to a boy even if he is her brother. Then he told me that '''there's no boundary between friends as to what to say and share, you dont know all these bcz u have no boy friends''. I asked her number and sent her whatsapp msg saying that ''im his wife now, i dont like your friendship and I know from my husband that your husband also doesnt like this friendship. Dont continue contacts with my husband.'' She replied me using very bad language and blocked me. I just started crying. I didnt hear such a bad language from anyone. After sometime, I sent screen shot of chat to my husband. He replied me that ''she got angry by reading your msg. Thats why she replied so. She is a very good girl. '' He had no feelings even after knowing that she used such a vulgar language. I asked him,

1) pls block her and promise me that you wont talk or chat with her in your entire life Or

2) I cant see my husband is maintaining contacts with such a bad girl who reveals the size of her private parts to a guy. If you want to maintain contacts with her, then I dont want to live with you.

He chose the 1st one and promised that ''Upon Allah and his father who is in Qabar at that time, he wont maintain contact with her anymore and will block her in his entire life. '' But its a lie.

After wedding (April 2016), I went to Dubai in December to live with him. Sorry to say, I then came to know that he needs me only in bed. He does it intercourse so many times a day. He does it in such a way that I cant stop tears falling from my eyes. Due to this, going toilet becomes very painful for me. But when I told him about this, he told me that whenever my eyes shedded with tears due to unbearable pain, the pleasure he is getting becomes immensely high. Whenever he is in room, he always engaged in using FB and whtsapp. I dont know how to use FB (I dont personally like it). So when I told him to install his FB account in my phone, he did. I didnt have any doubt in my regarding whether he had any lovers. But one day, I checked some uploads in 2015. Then I came to realise that the lady who used such an abusive language was actually his lover. The first thing he do when he reaches room from workplace (for lunch and at night) is seeing the videos she shared and sharing it. When I asked about her, he fell down into my hands and acted like he's dead. I was scared and started crying. After 2 mintes, he suddenly opened his eyes and replied me that it was heart attack and told me that their friendship was very pure and they will maintain that friendship as pure as before till his last breath whatever the situation may be. I told him that I wont ask anything bcz i need u throughout my life. I relied upon him. After a week, I was just seeing his uploads in older years. Then I came to realise that their relation was impure. His FB posts and poems he wrote about her for 6years, clearly says that it was a vulgar relationship without limits. I asked his close friend (from childhood onwards) about him. Then he told me that before our nikkah, my husband told his friend that he revealed all his past life to fiancee (me) and she (me) has no problem with my (his) past bad relationships. He also promised to the friend that he will bury all his old relationships and wont maintain any contact with those ladies and will be a good spouse. After knowing that my husband is stil maintaining contacts with those ladies and fooling me telling that saying ''i luv u'' each other is a part of friendship, his friend told me that his heart attack was a drama. Before our wedding, when there was a problem in his home, he acted like he has severe chest pain and that friend brought him to a hospital and the friend told the doctor that he is going to get married after somedays . Then doctor laughed and secretly told the friend that there is no symptom of chest pain and all that. His health is perfect. I came to know from the friend that my husband had relationships with many ladies (from other religions), but his purpose was only physical relationship, not marriage. He fooled 1 hindu lady by secretly marrying her according to her custom in temple and after getting what he wanted, he left that place. That lady is still unmarried. His character is such that everyone will like his soft and caring attitude and no one will be there to provide a proof. I couldnt believe that whatever his friend told me was lie bcz the incidents that friend told me about him was same as the stories my husband told me about those ladies. My husband once told me that ''now also that hindu lady madly loves me eventhough I considered her as a friend, saying that even if you marry someone else, pls consider me as a second wife''. His sincere love was with only that christian lady (who said abusive words to me) with whom he had relationship (including physical relationship) for 6years. But when that lady told her family that she wants to marry him, they denied. After that break up, she compelled him to marry someone. After some months, our nikkah was solemnised. But she didnt get that much caring from her husband as she got from my husband. So they started their contacts again. I realised that he is cheating me. When he acted like he got heart attack, I stopped doing isthikhara and started to pray for his well being. But after realising that he is cheating me, I told about this to 2 relatives. They told me to came back to India and escape from such a wild personality. They told me that the things he compelling me to do in bed is not islamic and he was cheating me saying that all are permissible. He knows that I dont know anything regarding this topic. He cant sleep without doing these acts in wild manner so many times a day. He uses medicine also for increasing duration. Before 1 week of coming back to India, we realised that I am pregnant. He started to behave in a rude manner knewing that I wont escape from him after becoming mother of his child. I told my family members about this after reaching home. Now my parents are compelling me to abort if I want divorce from him.They are telling me that if I wont agree for abortion, my husbnd will file case for baby and wont allow me to live peacefully, child will question me and the baby might be a criminal and nobody will be there to support me. They are telling me that Allah is punishing me. I know that he will file case for child, not because of pure love towards child, but because he wont let me to live peaceful life. Fetus in my womb is 9 weeks old now. All my struggles become waste if I get hellfire from Allah due to killing a life. Sheikh, pls give me an advise as soon as possible

1) Whether I have to get divorsed or live with my husband by struggling his torture thinking that some miracle will happen oneday

2) What should I tell to my parents about abortion. Is it advisable in my case or prohibited

3) Should I consider this trial as a punishment or way to become closer to Almighty. Pls dont forget to include me in your duas.

Q: My question is that I want to do 2nd Marriage so is it necessary for me to take the permission from my first wife and in case if my first wife don't allow me and I am still willing to do the 2nd Marriage to spend a happy life. So please advise me.

Q: I got married a few years back and there was a couple of us who got married the same time, same day.

Everyone kept telling us how we look like such a good couple and were happy. Later I could notice how people use to be jelous of us. My husband is still good for the next 3 to 4 months. Now all of a sudden his really bad and we have had blackmagic dome on a number of us. How do I know if today our relationship is at stake because of black magic? Is there any dua that could change my husband his very tempered, use to like another girl , and is always brainwashed against his wife and son.

Q: I need guidance on my marriage which I am not sure if nikah is still valid or not. May Allah Ta'ala grant you full Jaza khair for your help in deen to the ummah Ameen.

My marriage started 8 years ago where I wanted to lead a life keeping Allah Ta'ala and His pleasure as my priority. Faced a lot of problems from in law's side from start of the marriage till now. I live in London and follow an Islamic attire whilst the family I married was from sub continent where modern clothes of today's times are preferred. The short and long of it is that my wife (or ex wife as I don't know) has said 'kufriya kalimat' like she doesn't believe in shariat or she will not follow what is in Islam because it doesn't sit with today's times or even at a point she said leave matters to me I will deal with Allah Ta'ala when it comes to it don't tell me what is right in deen and what is wrong etc. She also has been to sooth sayers and fortune tellers seeking knowledge of future and continuing to do it.

Secondly, she used to wear niqab. She started doing that after many weeks of targheeb and taleem. Her sisters had managed to persuade her not to live like a molvi! We had arguments and she expressed her anger towards the deen and said she wanted to remove niqab because in London we should be integrating into the society. Kids are growing and they ask me questions why do I wear the face cover etc. Despite me educating her and kids she remained adamant to remove niqab. I said to her once that if you do remove niqab I.e. live a life without niqab the you are free from me meaning she is not going to remain my wife. She has now started to live without niqab and continue to do so. My question here is also that is our nikah now invalid and due to her continuing to be without niqab and breaking of my condition. The 'kufriya kalimat' which she has uttered and continues to believe in her ways, where would this whole marriage stands.

Also to add, I have felt the lack of barakah in life, in rizq and work in fact in the entire life dealings going downhill when I am with her and when I am away from her with a life of zikar, tilawat of Quran, tahajjud etc with taufiq if Allah Ta'ala, life feels back on track and help of Allah Ta'ala becomes feel able. Also to add that previously I had given one talaq and then had ruju'a to resume marriage. There also has been one occasion when our son was only one and she wanted to leave the house forever due to not liking the lifestyle where I had said that if you step outside this house then this marriage is null and void and you would be free to go. Things had calmed down later that day but indeed she had to leave the house and go out for various reasons. Would that also have triggered the talaq? I am not living with her anymore due to serious issues becoming unsolvable. She wants to live a liberal life and I cannot go against the commands of Allah Ta'ala. I apologise for a any inconvenience due to my email or writing style. Can I seek a clarification that is this nikah or marriage still intact or there is nothing there anymore. We are now living our own lives. I still see the kids and have been treating their mother as my non mahram.

Q: In the event a man has two wives and not wanting them to have jealousy and fights, he puts a code on his phone not allowing his wives to access his cell phone to see his calls, messages or photos. Would this be acceptable Islamicly even though the wife insists on looking into the phone and becoming angry for days on end?

Q: I am married for 18 years and have two children aged 16 and 14. My husband was a wonderful jolly loving person. He faced many business stresses and traumas like robbery and assault. The last 5 years has been a roller coaster living with him. The psychiatrist said he has bipolar schizophrenia with lots of paranoia and hallucinations. He refuses to take the antipsychotic meds ability and is making our home environment hell. If you look at him he looks like a good moulana. White kurta and mashaallah beard. He is always moody sulky and paranoid. He only makes salaam to me and thats it. Please advise how do I live with this silent treatment for years and the pain of emotional abuse. I am sad heartbroken and emotionally drained. I am staying for the sake of my children.. is there any support in Pretoria for women who are being tortured by selfish husbands like mine. His illness has robbed my of my happiness. Please help me understand why he does not want to take meds to get better.

Q: I want to have a baby and my husband does not want. We are both in our 40s and he says he is too old. I have tried talking to him but he doesn't want to listen. Iasked him maybe we can go see a Moulana and get some counselling but he says no. Is there anything else I can do?